This Summer Season

One Friday afternoon at the end of May I had coffee with one of my very best friends, Becca.  We sat in our neighborhood and chatted about the summer to come--she was in an exciting play, Sam was moving here, and life just felt right.  I looked her in the eye and toasted my iced coffee to summer and bliss and sunshine.

...and then the bottom fell out.

From the outside looking in, I've had quite a rocky summer.  I've done things wrong.  I've said the wrong things.  I've put my foot in my mouth and my tail between my legs.  Yes, in many ways, it feels as though the bottom dropped out from the outside.  Inside it felt that way too, for a moment.  But then, something else happened.

I took a step back and saw the bigger picture.

Here's the thing--I take blame for all the stuff I've messed up on over the last few months  (or bad judgement previously that somehow crept up all at one time).  It's been a humbling experience and a hard one.  But, somewhere underneath all of that, I am grateful for each mistake.

Grateful?  Yep.  Grateful.  Because although I've had some really bad days, I've learned some incredible lessons.  I've learned how to do things differently.  Somewhere within all of this I landed on solid ground.  I know so much of that has to do with Sam.  He's my sounding board, my partner, but also a great devil's advocate.  And you need that.  When you've messed up and you're trying to find reason and everything is a mess, it's pretty incredible to have someone there who won't let you get away with the things you need to take accountability for.  Sam's that.  He's also the first one on my side when I need a partner.  He's incredible and has championed me through this summer.

So, where to go from here?  Tomorrow is a new day.  So is the day after that.  And sometimes it's hard.  And while I am so hard on myself, I'm trying to give myself a break.  In every area, I've evaluated, apologized, and now all I can do is work in a better direction.

Sometimes I think it's harder to look at life that way.  It's easier to just wallow in self pity, but the champions pick themselves up and keep marching.  Moment after moment, day after day.  Breathe.  Deep breaths.

Getting through this summer has shown me that I am blessed.  Blessed by supportive souls, challenging minds, and listening ears.  I've messed up.  I feel like I've worn the scarlet letter.  Now I'm turning the page on a new day.  My birthday is coming up and I'm so excited for it--a fresh start a brand new year to make mine.  These days I'm focusing on the here and now--what I can control and what I can't.  I'm (working) to be okay with that.  Life isn't easy, but we should make every effort to make it the very best that we can.