Checking-In

Friends,

I've taken some time off of my blog lately--it's been a season of growth and change and I've been trying to live through each moment.  To breathe and appreciate each day--a practice that I think I've forgotten since I moved to New York.  I'm hoping to blog soon--I've been writing over and over in my head piecing together things that I want to bring to the table for conversation.

That post is coming very soon, but in the interim I wanted to share something special that speaks to me.

I started watching "The Ellen Show" per the recommendation of my beloved Currie.  We were talking one day and he made a comment about how I'd love it and he was surprised that I didn't watch it regularly.  I've always been a fan of Ellen DeGeneres, but I've never really watched a talk show before.  Well, I've been watching this show, and Currie was right--this show brings me pure joy.  I love Ellen.  I love what she stands for and her kindness makes my heart so warm.  To see her give so much is incredible.  She lives each moment.  She's kind.  And she makes people laugh.

I recently finished Seriously...I'm Kidding, her newest book and it's incredible.  Honestly, if you're looking for something to read, add that to your list.  Push it to the top.  Stop what you're reading now and read her book instead.  It's that great.

I wanted to share an excerpt from her book--I've pieced it together, but it's all in the same chapter and it speaks to what I try to practice:

"Be happy.  Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system.  Do things that make you feel good and proud.  It can be almost anything.  Contribute to the world.  Help people.  Help one person.  Help someone cross the street today.  Help someone with directions.  Help someone who's trying to help you.  Just help.  Make an impact.  Show someone you care.  Say yes instead of no.  Say something nice.  Smile.  Make eye contact.  Hug.  Kiss.  Get naked.  Laugh.  Laugh as much as you can.  Laugh until you cry.  Cry until you laugh.  Emote.  It's okay.  It shows you are thinking and feeling.  Find out who you are and figure out what you believe in.  Even if it's different from what your neighbors believe in and different from what your parents believe in.  Stay true to yourself.  Have your own opinion.  Don't worry about what people say about you or think about you.  Let the naysayers nay.  They will eventually grow tired of naying.  I believe with all my heart and soul that even if we try the teeniest tiniest bit we can make this world a much happier and healthier one.  And if we try even harder, we can do some pretty spectacular things."

Pretty terrific, isn't it?

Wishing you the very best Thanksgiving.

This Summer Season

One Friday afternoon at the end of May I had coffee with one of my very best friends, Becca.  We sat in our neighborhood and chatted about the summer to come--she was in an exciting play, Sam was moving here, and life just felt right.  I looked her in the eye and toasted my iced coffee to summer and bliss and sunshine.

...and then the bottom fell out.

From the outside looking in, I've had quite a rocky summer.  I've done things wrong.  I've said the wrong things.  I've put my foot in my mouth and my tail between my legs.  Yes, in many ways, it feels as though the bottom dropped out from the outside.  Inside it felt that way too, for a moment.  But then, something else happened.

I took a step back and saw the bigger picture.

Here's the thing--I take blame for all the stuff I've messed up on over the last few months  (or bad judgement previously that somehow crept up all at one time).  It's been a humbling experience and a hard one.  But, somewhere underneath all of that, I am grateful for each mistake.

Grateful?  Yep.  Grateful.  Because although I've had some really bad days, I've learned some incredible lessons.  I've learned how to do things differently.  Somewhere within all of this I landed on solid ground.  I know so much of that has to do with Sam.  He's my sounding board, my partner, but also a great devil's advocate.  And you need that.  When you've messed up and you're trying to find reason and everything is a mess, it's pretty incredible to have someone there who won't let you get away with the things you need to take accountability for.  Sam's that.  He's also the first one on my side when I need a partner.  He's incredible and has championed me through this summer.

So, where to go from here?  Tomorrow is a new day.  So is the day after that.  And sometimes it's hard.  And while I am so hard on myself, I'm trying to give myself a break.  In every area, I've evaluated, apologized, and now all I can do is work in a better direction.

Sometimes I think it's harder to look at life that way.  It's easier to just wallow in self pity, but the champions pick themselves up and keep marching.  Moment after moment, day after day.  Breathe.  Deep breaths.

Getting through this summer has shown me that I am blessed.  Blessed by supportive souls, challenging minds, and listening ears.  I've messed up.  I feel like I've worn the scarlet letter.  Now I'm turning the page on a new day.  My birthday is coming up and I'm so excited for it--a fresh start a brand new year to make mine.  These days I'm focusing on the here and now--what I can control and what I can't.  I'm (working) to be okay with that.  Life isn't easy, but we should make every effort to make it the very best that we can.

On Summer and the Farmer's Market and Brooklyn

Greetings from my new place in Brooklyn!!  As I think all of you know, I moved just over a month ago.  

I wanted to give myself some time to settle in before I gushed about my new digs.  But, I've been here a month, and so I feel like I can officially download you on how much I love it here.  I'll start at the beginning--

I moved at the end of May.  It was a gorgeous day.  Not too hot, like I was dreading.  My movers (there were 3!) came at the very last minute.  And while I stressed that I wouldn't get out before the designated time (according to my former building), I tried to keep the mood light.  I couldn't make them move any faster--it was out of my control--so I kept the mood as light as possible and asked questions about where they were from, what they wanted out of New York, and cheered them on as they moved boxes out of my apartment and into the truck.  They said they would be fast, and they were--a half hour later they were headed out.  And so I said goodbye to Julie, which was just weird.  I was sad and the moment just kind of passed us by.  I walked away feeling weird and unsettled.  I couldn't fathom not coming home to her anymore.  For a few days after it felt like vacation and that I was returning shortly.  When my movers arrived in Brooklyn, they stacked my boxes in the corner of the living room, put my bed together, placed my furniture in the places I had requested, and left.  And it was silent.  Soon after my darling Super knocked on my door with a tool bag inquiring if I had an air conditioner that needed installation.  What a gem.  Yes, I did, and it was so appreciated.  The warm fuzzies on being in the right place overtook me and I felt calm.  After my Super, Alex, left I found myself ready to set up camp for the night.  I showered, opened my DVDs box, hooked up my television, and was asleep before I knew it.  I remember telling Sam that night that I was so excited for his arrival.  The week went quickly and Sam was here before I knew it.  When he arrived that Sunday morning, I hugged him and breathed a sigh of relief.  It was over.  Long distance was soon to become a memory, a thing we did for a year, and we were done!!  I was so happy to see him.  Sam and his dad drove through the night and were exhausted when they arrived.  But, like troopers, we all unloaded the car and stacked Sam's boxes next to mine in the living room.  That's a lot of boxes.  Sam's dad turned around almost immediately leaving us to our apartment.  Our apartment!!  We were giddy to get it set up and unpacked, which was a good thing because we had quite a lot to do.  As ambitious as we both are, I think it's safe to say we bit off more than we could chew, but powered through!  We painted our kitchen, living room, bathroom, and bedroom.  Yep.  In the heat and humidity we did it, and we didn't kill each other.  Miracles happen, y'all!  With a painted apartment, which did not happen overnight, we began unpacking.  We did the kitchen first.  And then the bathroom.  Followed by the living room.  And then finally the bedroom.  We ended on my closet--a project I was dreading (dreading is an understatement), but with Sam's ninja skills everything fit with room to spare.  I have no idea how, but it did.  And so--we've arrived.

Somewhere within all of that I directed a staged reading of AS I AM FULLY KNOWN, the play I worked on last summer, which was part of The New York Fringe Festival.  It was a great experience and I learned a lot about myself as a director as well as working with actors and the playwright.  I was so happy that I was able to re-visit the script because I think it's terrific and has an incredible message that reads to so many audiences and generations.  It felt good to be working on that script again.

The summer has been filled with a lot of wonderful things.  After the 3 weeks of rain and cold, it's been gorgeous here.  Warm days filled with sunshine and blue skies, which never cease to amaze me and make me feel incredibly grateful.  Sam and I spend our time seeing friends, perusing farmer's markets, and cooking.  The farmer's markets in this city amaze me, and I just can't get enough of them.  I love supporting local business and there is nothing sweeter than a home grown strawberry.  Beyond that, our lives are pretty boring, which is wonderful.  I've been busy with work, Project Rushmore, and working with a friend to plan a show; Sam got a job quickly (not surprising) and has been in rehearsals for Triad Stage's THE SUNSET LIMITED, which will be performed in Boone this weekend.  And, other than that, Sam and I just spend time together.  We're still exploring our neighborhood and enjoying being able to come home to each other each day.  I learned a lot about myself doing long distance.  I learned a lot about Sam too.  It's hard, but if you love someone, completely worth it.  I am really proud of us, and when people ask, I don't hesitate to tell them what we struggled with and insight on how we stayed connected and made sure we saw each other as often as possible.  As Sam would say, it could always be worse.  And so, in coming out of that year, I am so grateful to come home to him.

I'm excited for what's to come--for more summer nights, more farmer's markets, and the presence of great company.

I hope you're having the most lovely summer.  There is so much simplicity to be discovered--go out and live it before it passes you by.

To My Dad on Father's Day

So much has happened in the month since I posted!  And I want to tell you guys about it, but this post is dedicated to my dad.  I will however tell you that Sam has officially moved to New York and we are LOVING Brooklyn!!!

My dad has always been a force--a powerful person who is passionate and strong minded.  So, when people meet my father, they are not surprised that I am the way I am.  As the saying goes, the apple does not fall far from the tree.  But, the thing is, most people usually write my dad off without really getting to know him.  On the surface he is a loud, opinionated, intimidating guy.  A crowd pleaser (or dis-pleaser, depending on the crowd).  A radio personality.  But, if people take the time, they see so much more than that.  He's a teddy bear and loves dogs and cigars more than most things.  My dad has always been an example that it's never too late to chase your dream.  And, that if you keep pounding the pavement, eventually something will stick.  I learned from my father early on that if you want something and you pursue it, eventually you will get it.  My father's passion was contagious to me as a child.  Watching someone who is driven like he is, rubbed off on me.  I know that I am the way I am because of him.  

So, dad, here's to you today.  Thank you for instilling courage, passion, and drive within me.  Without it, I wouldn't have done half of the things I have done in my life.  You have been a guiding light when dealing with victories, but also during times when I have struck out.  Your best lessons have been when I've just missed it, and mourn the loss.  Although those are the hardest times, those are the ones that solidify our passion and drive us to be better.  These are the best lessons.  Thank you for a wonderful childhood filled of love in every different way and unending encouragement.  Thank you for the sacrifices you have made.  You are my biggest cheerleader, my best example and I am so proud of you.  You have taught me to never give up, and that it is never too late to chase my dreams.  Today I acknowledge your gifts, but they are appreciated everyday, and I wouldn't be who I am without you.  Here's to you, Papas Fritas, Happy Father's Day, I love you!

To My Mom For Mother's Day

My mom just came to visit me in NYC.  She saw the apartment I've been living in for the last year and got a chance to see the apartment I'll be moving into in a few weeks.  It was such a special trip.  So, in the spirit of my rockstar mom and the fact that Mother's Day is quickly approaching, I thought it fitting to do some bragging.  My dad says he never brags on his kids.  He lies.  He does, but I like to think he does it in a classy way.  We all love to gush about people we're excited about--we want to share them with the world.  The trick is to find the line of annoyance. Bragging is funny--if done in a classy way it's wonderful--special, exciting--you want to share and spread joy.  But, people easily take it too far and that's where bragging gets its bad reputation.

I think that Mother's Day is often overlooked and that, unfortunately, we don't take the time to tell our mothers thank you for all that they have done for us.

So, to my mom, thank you.  Thank you for the sacrifices you've made for me.  Thank you for the support and unconditional love.  Thank you for putting me first.  You have been such an incredible example to me and I strive to be like you everyday.  You're my role model and best friend and I admire you more than any other woman I know.  Thank you for your hard work, compassion, and strength.  Thank you for never saying "no" and always being up to the task--whether that be finding milky pens (and purchasing a Sam's Club membership) or a 3 hour visit to Ikea on a Saturday night.  I am so proud of all you have accomplished and I think you are superwoman.  On Mother's Day I will celebrate you, but I hope you know that you are celebrated everyday.  I will never be able to express how much I love you.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom.  I love you!

Spring Fever in NYC

Spring is/almost/has/will spring/sprung.  It's taking its time, but we're all more than ready for it.  We have some great days--sunshine and 60 degrees days, and then we have some not-so-good days--40 degrees and looking like it's about to rain.  Lately, it's been that way--cold; wet; awful.  But, what keeps all of us going is the fact that we've all gotten a little taste of what's next.  Personally, I am so excited.  I haven't wanted spring this bad in a very long time.  And, coming from North Carolina, this shouldn't be a surprise.  I'm craving sunshine and dresses and sitting outside.  It will be here so soon!  

With spring in the air, I am coming upon a whole year of living in New York City!  Whew, time flies.  But it's been an incredible year.  I went after stuff, jumped in, and (for the most part) didn't hold back.  I say for the most part, because I did hold back at first.  I was scared and confused. But I trusted my gut.  

I've always trusted my gut.  

I feel like life has funny way of giving you what you need right when you need it.  You may not always realize it at the moment, but upon reflection things are always clearer.  It's when things are fuzzy and my brain is spinning out of control that I find myself stopping to listen to my gut.  It's what lead me here.  I feel like I have a lot to say about my first year in New York City, but I don't know if I'm ready to say it yet.  And, technically, it hasn't been a year.  I will say that I am proud of myself.  And incredibly grateful for a wonderful boyfriend, my family of cheerleaders who always made me feel like I was in the right place, and the most supportive friends I could have ever wished for.   

I have a lot of lovely things coming up that I am so excited about and want to share--

Sam and I are moving in together!!  Oh me oh my I am so delighted I could just jump up and dance telling you about it!  We'll be living in the most lovely apartment and I don't think we could be more excited.  Our neighborhood is lined with trees and has the cutest shops--here's to small business!!  We're moving into a one bedroom and it's wonderful!  After we've moved in I will post pictures for y'all to see.  With Sam and I moving in, that does mean I'll be saying goodbye to the UWS and my roommate, Julie, which I am really sad about.  Julie and I made this move together and she has been the best roommate.  I am so sad to leave her and will so miss our "stuff"--you know, the stuff you and your roommate do?  For Julie and myself it's long late night chats, "Nurse Jackie", and girly stuff.  

My mom is coming next weekend and I am so excited!  She's the reason that I haven't started packing my current apartment (Mom, I want you to see!).  I have no idea what we'll do, but we'll find something--we're good at that.  I'm excited to take my mom around the city and show her what I've been calling home for the last 11 months.  

The beginning of May is exciting as well--Sam is graduating and UNCG is coming to New York City for their annual Industry Showcase.  I love UNCG more than what's normal, but I just had so much fun while I was there that I can't help but be its biggest cheerleader.  I'm so excited to see faculty and cheer on the Class of 2011.  It's a great group of people and I am so proud to be an alum. 

In June I'm directing a staged reading and I couldn't be more excited.  I have already started work on the script and am thrilled that I'm being trusted to take this on!  I'm excited to create and explore and play.  

Looking ahead to what spring and summer hold I feel nothing less than blessed.  The opportunity to spend time with people and projects that are so very special to me.  I am excited to celebrate and rejoice at life and love and bliss in all its forms.  I encourage you to look into your soul and listen to what you need.  For me the other day, it was a long walk and I came out of it feeling like a new person.  We need to listen to our guts, to what makes us happy and pursue it.  Love and creativity feed my soul and that's what I will continue to pursue.  I hope you find what makes you happiest and go after it with your everything.  If you hesitate, it might just pass you by.  

Finding My Bliss

I've been thinking about bliss for a long while now.  What it is, how it lives in us, and what is drives us to do.  


When I graduated in May, John Gulley, our faculty speaker, spoke a lot about following our bliss.  As theatre majors, our bliss lead us to that moment.  Theatre--art--brought us together.  And that moment, together, was really special.  


Since then, I've been thinking a lot about my bliss.  And here's what I've come to find--


My bliss lives in a lot of different places.  


It lives in art--expression--creativity.  But it also lives in my current job--loving where  I am and working towards more.  It lives in Sam.  It lives in marriage and family.  It lives in traveling.  It lives in job security, a home to call my own, and putting food on the table.  


And that's only the beginning.  


I think sometimes we get scared.  I know I do.  I'm a planner, and so when my heart starts to pull in a direction that I wasn't planning, I get scared.  This last year has been a test in that.  But, what I've learned is that I don't have to give up one thing to welcome another.  


Balance.


I think that we have to listen to what we want, which sounds easy, but the practice of it is sometimes difficult.  We want to make ourselves happy, but not disappoint the people around us.  Here's the truth: true family/friends/allies/mentors will support you no matter what.  Sometimes we have to run hard in the wrong direction to get back on the right path.  


I think we are spending too much time worrying about what's to come instead of living in the now.  After all, we can't control our destiny.  To be selfish and talk about myself--I'm working on co-producing a show right now.  It's a crazy awesome experience, but sometimes I let it overrun me.  The big picture (which is supremely exciting) starts to block what is needed in the now.  Small steps lead to creation.  When I feel overwhelmed I find myself fearful that the challenge is too great--but then I am reminded of small steps.   


I don't think we will ever really find our bliss, and I think that makes us really lucky.  Things change and shit happens--it knocks around what we want and what we need.  All we can do is hold on and trust in our gut.  


So here's to you and your bliss--listen hard--what do you really want? 

‎"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."

-Oscar Wilde

Dancing on the Subway

Lately, I've had this urge to dance on the subway.  It comes out of nowhere, really.  A good song comes on and I start tapping my toes.  The beat works it way up my legs into the middle of my body and all of a sudden I am bopping along fighting this urge to dance and sing at the top of my lungs.  Where is this coming from?  I have no idea.  I think it's partly from the absence of a car--the freedom of loud music, open windows, and the feeling that I could drive anywhere.  Ah, that feeling.  I miss it.  There's something about a car that I just adore.  It's weird, isn't it?  When I step back to think about it, it seems weird to me, but I just crave that freedom.  Someday.  One day.  Soon?  Possibly.  But then again, anything is possible.

Today is Valentine's Day, and I'm going to be completely honest, I love this holiday.  People think it's such a scam and a way to single the singles out.  I'm telling you, you're wrong.  I think this holiday is about true love.  Whether that be with a partner,  friend, family, your dog--just celebrate the love in your life--that deep love that is sometimes hard, but so rich in its gifts.  Sam sent me roses today.  Beautiful is an understatement.  Flowers are so the way to my heart.  And honestly, it's not even the flowers, but the thought that goes into them.  Getting flowers when I'm at work reminds me how loved I am.   And when I look at them sitting on my desk I beam.  Literally.  I think the warmth from my face and heart make the room warmer.

Spring is coming.  I could feel it today. 50 degrees and it wasn't even fully dark when I walked out of the office.  It whipped through the city today and I could just feel it in my bones.  I am ready. I love the springtime.  Although autumn will always be my favorite (there's just something about it), spring is a close second.  Spring also means that I am coming up to a year of living here.  Yes, I've still got about 3 months, but oh em gee, it's almost here.  Crazy.  Time flies.  And I am a much different person than I was just 9 short months ago.  Lots of growing.  Lot of beautiful pain--necessary steps to get to where I am.  Crazy how you don't know what you're really going through till you're through it.  Does that even make sense?

The last few weeks I've been on overload.  Going really hard and really fast for a really long time.  I thrive in those situations, but I also realized this time how much I miss when I am living in that lifestyle.  I'm not as present and I don't like it.  I'm working to commit to less things so that I give myself completely when I'm with friends I care about.  It sounds selfish, I realize, but I think it's also fair.  Do you overcommit?  I do.  All the time.  And at the end of the day, it's just not fair.  I think our time is so much better spent when we are fully present and listen to what we need.  It's important to invest yourself in people who will nurture your soul--and also call you out on your bullshit.

Working with Project Rushmore has been lovely lately.  It's been on my mind a lot--I am hoping for such good things to come out of this group.  Everyone is so talented and committed, especially as of late.  Our January readings were nothing less than inspiring--to see so many faces supporting the arts.  It was nothing short of moving.  I'm also working to get a show together with some UNCG alums.  I'm really hoping we can iron out all of the details.  If you have any advice on anything theatre related in NYC I am all ears.  Any tricks are much appreciated.  In fact, if you have any advice about anything I'm all ears.  I am so far from perfect, and I love input from those who are more experienced.  As I get older I become less of a know-it-all and more of a tell-me-your-every-piece-of-advice kind of gal.

Some fineal thoughts--good theatre is worthwhile--expression is worthwhile, you are the company you keep, practice sincerity, realize your worth, and finally, put good out into this world, I know I preach it, but it's true--it is the best thing you can do for yourself.  We need to take care of each other--everyone is fighting a harder battle.

Here's to you and your valentine, whoever they may be--it may even be yourself.  If that's the case, fabulous!  You better treat yourself real nice!  And finally, wherever you are, I encourage you tomorrow on your way to work/school/the grocery you turn on your most favorite song and dance you tush off.

The Pressure is Off..or is it On?

Okay okay okay OKAY!  New blog post.  Here it is!  Fresh and clean in 2011.  Although, I would be lying if I said I didn't feel a wee bit-o-pressure to crank out a "good one" here.  I figure I'll just do what I always do and spit out all of the things that have been swirling on my mind and then you can tell me what you think about them.  Sound good?

Since I blogged last I've done a ton of traveling.  I was home for Thanksgiving, which was lovely.  A quick five days, but I really enjoyed being at home with my family and my dogs.  I literally sat around with them in different areas of my house for five days.  We just soaked each other up and it was lovely.  I came back to NYC and worked for another few weeks and then headed to NC to see Sam.  We celebrated our Christmas together and somewhere between Chicago, New York, and North Carolina my credit card number got stolen.  Again.  So there I was in North Carolina feeling semi-stranded.  I can't really complain though.  At the time when I found out I was with one of my favorite UNCG Professor's--Flan!  One of my favorite things about visiting NC is checking in with him.  I was also able to spend time with Jim, another favorite.  Both great people, and I really enjoy seeing them.  So then after a great few days in NC I headed back to NYC worked and basically unpacked, repacked and headed home to Chicago for Christmas.  I enjoyed driving my Vibe--y'all know how I love to drive!  I also got a new laptop for Christmas!  I cried of course.  And my parent's created a little scavenger hunt for me to track it down.  Needless to say I am in love with this thing and every time I open it, it's like receiving a gift again (thanks Mom and Dad!).   The holiday season was fantastic.  The snowstorm that shut down the Northeastern part of the country was not!  To make a long story short I ended up driving back to NYC.  When people asked how I got back and I told them I ended up driving they thought I was crazy.  I'll admit that it was a bit of a snap decision, but I had to get back!  What other choice did I have?

As I bopped around from Chicago, New York, and North Carolina I couldn't help but think about "home" and how I have multiple.  All three of these places hold very special in my heart.  Each of them possess meaningful people, places, and things.  Barrington, Illinois will always be my home.  It is a very special place to me.  And I love my physical home there.  It is warm and vibrant and a safe haven for me.  North Carolina also feel like home in many ways.  And, slowly but surely, New York is starting to become a home as well.  When we dig in and plant ourselves, we open ourselves up to take places in--to create a home.  If we never dig, we will always feel like strangers.  Do you agree?  Just a thought.  

Last Saturday I met Ingrid Michaelson while I was working at SLT.  I continue to work there a few days a month, and when I was working on Saturday another associate was asking me a question and as I turned around to answer there was INGRID.  Needless to say, I completely fanned out.  I went nuts.  I love love LOVE her music and I just was so excited.  I'm sure she was flattered, but I just couldn't help myself.  I've been fortunate to see quite a few celebrities since moving here, but have had ample time to "prepare" myself.  And truthfully, it's not even that, but moreso the fact that I really connect with her as an artist and her music has really inspired me.  In fact, as I type up this blog she is playing on my computer!  (Having laptop speakers is AMAZING).  She was so nice and I so appreciated her kindness.  It was so cool, and I floated for the rest of the day.

Can I brag on a friend for a minute?  I just want go give a great big HOLLA about my friend Currie!  Y'all know Currie, but do you know he's coming to NEW YORK to audition for "GLEE"--HOLLA HOLLA HOLLA!!!!!!  Currie called me on Tuesday and told me all about how he got a call seeing if he was interested in AUDITIONING for "GLEE"--do y'all get what I am saying?!?!?!!??!?  Well, I burst with tears of joy right there in my office.  Told everyone and have been beaming ever since.  So, in February, Currie is comin' back to NYC to do it up BIG!  Send nothing but goodness his way.  I can't think of anyone I know who deserves it more.

I want to leave you with this excerpt that I read in Real Simple Magazine.  I loved it and wanted to share it with you: "Happiness comes in small moments while you're pursuing the big stuff.  After a while, the small moments become the point.  This is especially true in tough times.  When the world seems to be falling apart, you still have your little touchstones of joy."--Marcia Menter The History of Happiness

It's true, right?  And if we always pursue happy moments then the good stuff will happen.  That is the secret--put out what you want and it will come back to you.  I know that it's said that January and February are the roughest months because we are in the dead of winter, but I challenge you to put out good things and allow for good things to happen to you.

Hello!

Friends!  I have taken a break from my blog for a few months (December was CRAZY).  I promise to post a blog soon, but wanted to share this that I came across.  I hope this finds you well!

The Curly Girl In Me

Friends,

I want you to check it this amazing website: www.curlygirldesign.com.  She makes fabulous art:

These are some of my favorites.  I have purchased a lot of her cards and put them up in my room in my apt--I plan to use these to put up at my desk too.  I love them!  And each of these peer a little bit more into how I'm feeling right now.  The website has a ton of stuff and makes a great Christmas gift--there are so many different quotes to choose from!

Chicago in 3 days and NC in a little over two weeks!  Time is FLYING.  I feel like it was my birthday just yesterday.  It's great though--I'm ready to be in the same state as Sam again!

Here's to short work weeks and spending the holidays with people we care about.  And if we can't be with them, make sure we still keep them in our hearts.  (Can you tell I'm really sad about not spending Thanksgiving with Sam??  It really hit me hard today).

Be well. xo

On Growing Up

Last weekend I traveled down to the sweet south to see ALICE, an updated version on the beloved story.  It was a super cool show and a huge technical challenge. Sam stage managed and I was thrilled to be able to see the production.  He did a fantastic job and I was so proud of him!  A lot of things came out of this visit for me.  It was great to see people and reconnect with them.  For many of us at UNCG, our next step is very often New York City.  And so I was more than happy to tell everyone everything that I thought about it—good and bad.  I was honest about my feelings and humble about my experiences.  I in no way made it seem any more glamorous than it actually is.  I admitted to the fact that yes, it can be lonely.  Yes, the subway is crap.  Yes, everything is super expensive.  I told them about my moving experience—what I think I did right and wrong.  I also told them about the good stuff.  About how much theatre is right at your fingertips.  How sometimes you can be so inspired by your surroundings that you’re almost overwhelmed, and how your luck can absolutely change in a New York minute.  I was flattered to hear “You look great!” from people who I wasn’t particularly close with while in school.  I am in no way saying this to toot my own horn, but it got me to thinking.  You look great.  Three words-a whole lot of meaning.  Since I’ve been back I’ve been thinking about that, about what I’ve been doing to “look great”—and it was an interesting discovery.

In thinking about it I realized how great I feel about having this job.  The fact that I am needed to get things done.  Important things.  I am in no way saying that I am the end all be all, but it is nice to have deadlines and things that need to be done.  It makes you feel like your work counts.  And here, I know that it does.  This company is such a good fit for me, and I’m learning a lot about it.  Not only as an employee of it, but the benefits of treating your employees well, and how you get out what you put in.  Another thing that I’ve been doing lately is getting about 8 hours of sleep a night.  Amazing what it’s done for me.  It’s not that I didn’t want to get that kind of sleep when I was in undergrad, but I was always doing something.  And I couldn’t say no.  Honestly, it’s not that I couldn’t say no, it’s that I didn’t want to.  What can I say?  I love UNCG.  Now I find myself getting home around 6:30 and honestly being ready to go to bed at 11:30-12:00…and I’m more than cool with that.  Sleep has done wonders for my world.  Another thing that I’ve been focusing on is making better food choices.  While this is something I struggled with in the past, I feel like this is something else that I want for myself.  I want to take care of myself and put things in my body that fuel me for the rest of the day.  If I’m being honest with myself about how I struggled I know why—it’s because I never made time for it and always pushed it to the side.  Well, now that I have more of a regulated schedule I’m making it a priority to make time for it. 

All of these things have helped me “feel great”—because I do.  I feel like I’ve been beaming lately.  And because of that I just feel better about the world around me.  Being able to buy a plane ticket to see Sam as well as the rest of the UNCG family was the ultimate reward.  One of the things that I love the most about seeing Sam is that he and I don’t even skip a beat.  It takes us no time to get “back into the swing.”  I feel so connected with him that we don’t even need that time, which is a blessing.

It’s crazy, but somewhere in the last 6 months I grew up.  That’s not to say that I wasn’t an adult before, but now more than ever I feel like a grownup.  And (to sound like I’m 12), it’s so cool!  And I love it. 

I’m excited for what the next few weeks bring: Thanksgiving with my family-my core of people who adore me no matter how crazy I get (right, Dad?).  I’ll spend the weekend shopping with my sweet mother and hanging out with my dad.  Harrison (my brother) will grill me about everything—mostly Sam, my job, and living in New York.  He hates to admit it, but he loves me more than he will ever let on.  And I’ll get to see my dogs!-my 3 favorite canines on the planet.  And we’ll spend Thanksgiving with our extended family…hoping to avoid politics (a favorite topic of conversation for the adults…well the old adults…HA!).  And then I’ll head down to NC for a weekend to celebrate Christmas with Sam and then a few weeks later I’ll head back to Chicago and spend the actual Christmas with my family, and then Sam will come to NYC for the New Year and whoosh, we’re into January!  I would be lying if I said I wasn’t bummed that Sam and I won’t be together for the holidays, but we’re doing our best to make up for it.  Right now, we’re doing the best we can with what we’ve got—maybe next year we can work something out, but it’s hard when you have family in Chicago and North Carolina. 

This post has been so self indulgent and I apologize.  I guess the bottom line is that I feel good about where I am and it’s a lesson that I continue to learn.  It is important that we check in with ourselves and how we’re feeling.  I feel like my generation is terrible at doing that.  We’re always competing against each other and jumping into a million different things to better our future.  What we must do is stop.  Listen.  And participate in things that we can benefit from.  Isn’t the goal to get something out of what you’re doing?  So why not invest yourself in a few things that really matter instead of sign your name onto a million things where you can’t be fully present.  What I’m learning is that I am a better version of myself when I take care of myself.  Duh, right?  So why don’t more of us do it?  I’m a better friend, girlfriend, daughter, employee, and volunteer when I take care of myself.  I’m living proof of it.  And, while I’m here, something else I’ve learned through trial and error is that you can’t change everything you’re doing at once or none of it will stick--which in many ways I’m still learning.  So, as I continue to change my lifestyle to a healthier one mentally and physically, I do hope that you will join me.  Don’t focus on the reward of it all (albeit awesome), but moreover focus on where you are and celebrate in that.  We will never be perfect (something I’m still trying to learn) and we can only give our best.  I know I’ve said this, but be kind to people.  Love the people you surround yourself with (and if you don’t love them, consider separating yourself from them).  Take a moment on Thanksgiving to count your blessings, and be thankful!—your future awaits you and you control your destiny.  Trust in what you’re doing now will continue to drive yourself to where you want to be.  And know that in the end, everything happens for a reason. 

What A Difference A Day Makes

Friends,

I feel like I need to update you on what's been going on in my life over the past week.  As some of you know I was offered a job at a PR company here in the city last Thursday.  Needless to say I jumped at the offer and I couldn't be more excited about this opportunity.  To be honest, it's sometimes hard to talk about, as in I feel a little bit guilty.  It's not that I feel like I don't deserve this--I do, but so many people need and deserve jobs right now.  I realize how lucky I am, and I just want to say those of you working in jobs you don't love (that was me a week ago), it will get better.  It will.  You just have to keep at it, but at the same time you can't beat yourself up over it.  I told my mom the Sunday before I found out about this job that I was going to cool my heels in the search until after the first of the year.  And four days later my phone rang.  Life is so funny like that.  And it's proof that you can only have so much control over what happens.  Once you accept where you are,  you can make an effort to get to where you want to be.

I'm keeping my retail job to work on the weekends through Christmas and maybe a few weekends a month after that.  I'm doing this for a few reasons: first, I really like some of the people I work with--they're good, genuine people.  And second, this job humbles me almost every day.  It's a reminder to me to never take anything too seriously and to always treat people with respect.  Sounds like an easy lesson, but you'd be surprised at some of the people I encounter on a day to day basis.

I'm super excited about my new job because it is totally an area that I'm really interested in and a place where I could do really well.  I'm not putting any pressure on myself though--I'm taking it one step at a time.  Who knows where this could go.  For right now I'm content with working hard, enjoying my workplace, and taking it as it comes.

My Friend Ishmael

One of the things that I really enjoy about New York is that everyone has a different story.  Most of the people that I encounter are not from New York originally, but something drove them here--and they are trying to make their way chasing that dream.  So, I ask most anyone why they're here.  And if the person seems willing I'll ask them a zillion questions about their life here--where they live, when they moved, when they graduated, etc etc etc.

My friend Ishmael has rocked my boat a little.

Ishmael is a 59 year old man who works 10 hours a day 6 days a week to support his wife and 5 kids that live in Western Africa.  And he is one of the kindest people I've ever met.  Ishmael has lived in New York City for 6 years working to support his family.  Puts things into perspective a little bit, doesn't it?  Of course we hear these stories, but when you encounter someone doing it, it's a whole new ball game.  Ishmael is fluent in French so he keeps me on my toes.  We chat about his family, the cultural differences, and I tell him about how my friend Samantha is studying abroad this year.  I tell him of her experiences, which I gather through her blog and emails.  He digests and gives me his opinions.  Ishmael travels back to Africa once a year for about a month, and he's planning on making the trip this November, but this time only for two weeks . When I asked him why he told me that he needed to be back here making money for his family.  Kills you, doesn't it?  It makes me realize how lucky I am that Sam is in the US and that I can call him whenever I want.

I think what jolts me is the fact that Ishmael is so vulnerable about the whole thing.  He tells it like it is and only hopes that one day he'll be able to return.  I appreciate all that he has told me about the culture and lifestyle of Western Africa.  I find it fascinating.  I appreciate every bit that he tells me.

Ishmael has taught me the lesson we all learned a long time ago--you never know what another person is going through.  We don't.  We can't open up their noggin and jump in.  Let's make an effort to be kind to each other--someone is always fighting a harder battle.

When You Get Down To It

Sam was here this weekend...and the weekend was, well, perfect.  I picked him up from the airport on Thursday afternoon and we spent a long weekend enjoying each other's company--talking--literally talking for hours.  We did other things too--went for walks in Central Park, went down to SoHo, were out and about, but we couldn't stop the chatter!  Sam makes me laugh harder than anyone I know and it was so good to just see him!  It was such a luxury to just be able to tell him something right away instead of texting it or trying to remember to tell him about it at the end of the day.  Super thankful for him and the happiness that he brings to my life.  One night we spent dancing in my kitchen to James Taylor (Mom, we toasted to you) and it was magic.  What this weekend reminded me of was something my parents have always preached to me: it doesn't get any better than this.  And, it's the truth.  When you get down to it, it doesn't get any better than the moments where you are with the ones you love.  For my family, that's around the dinner table listening to my brother go on and on and on and on about something while my parents and I just nod our heads and agree.  And with Sam, it was this weekend as a whole...or dancing to James Taylor in my kitchen or even just sitting with him on the couch while we watched a movie.

My first day back at work after my long weekend all of my co-workers first asked where I was and when I told them that my boyfriend had visited they asked what we did.  And the answers couldn't have been more boring, but the truth is that Sam and I don't need all sorts of entertainment because we are just as content to sit down and talk with each other.  He's interesting, intelligent, and cracks me up.

Today at work this woman came in and we were having a conversation about a million things, but somewhere in there we got to talking about this organization that she created: Woman Deliver.  It's super cool and I encourage you to check it out: www.womendeliver.org/

Also, I am thinking about selling jewelry on www.etsy.com.  Check out their website--it's super cute and I'm excited about the idea (just trying to get it all in order).  I'll keep you posted!

Sorry for the gushy post, but that's where I am right now.  Getting down to what matters. Who matters.  I hope that you connect with those people.  Tell them how amazing they are and how much you love them.  Be proud of them and encourage them to follow their heart...the truth is, they can never hear it too much and it's probably time that they hear it again.

Be well and be good to each other.  Make it start with you.

One Of Those Days

Do you ever have one of those days where it all seems to click?  Things just come easy.  I feel like some people live their whole lives this way, while I on the other hand cherish days like this.  For me, it consisted of not waiting for the subway this morning, being early to work, and just clipping right through the day.  I had decided a few days ago that I was going to treat myself to a pedicure today.  It's something my mom taught me, and I think it was a really good lesson.  A pedicure?  Yes.  But the act of treating yourself every once in awhile.  On a bad day her cure is a new lipstick (or lip gloss as I prefer), and it really does make your day so much better.  But sometimes you just have to do something for yourself for no reason at all.  Well, today was that day for me.  I've been working my little heart out lately.  And although I'm not complaining (seriously, I'm not), I'm exhausted!  So...having this to look forward to has gotten me through the weekend and this week.

Usually on one of these days where it all seems to click I have one of those serendipitous days where the clouds part and I connect with someone who rattles my cage a little and reminds me to be present and living each day...

...and that also happened today.  While having this amazing pedicure.

The woman zipped in and sat down right next to me.  She chose a color that frankly, I judged a little.  It's no longer summer--it's time for those rich fall colors and she had some bright poppy pink polish.  A summer staple in my book...but in the first week of October?  Go for something dark!  It's fun!  Anyway, she got herself situated and turned to me and struck up a conversation.  I'll admit, I was a little shocked.  While normally this wouldn't have phased me, I've found that people in New York don't feel the same.  And so I've kept my chit chat with subway strangers and people on the street to a minimum.  Not this lady.  And so we talked and talked and talked.  This woman started her own fabric company 3 years ago and just signed with D & D...apparently a big wig in NYC.  She told me about how it started out of a need to cover a chair for her daughter and just exploded into this whole thing.  Her story was inspiring and she was so humble (my favorite part).  I walked away from that pedicure with a book added to my list and, more importantly, a reminder to take the time to talk to people.  Let's be honest: what does it hurt us?  And at the end of the day we're all working toward something.  Why not encourage each other in their endeavor?

So a big thanks to Mrs. F--thank you for reminding me just how much a warm smile and a hello can brighten someone's day.  And thank you for reminding me to listen to my soul and to always be willing to try something new--who knows where it will lead?

A House of Friendship

One of the hardest things about living in New York is being far from some of my closest friends.  I miss their energy on a daily basis--something I am certain I took advantage of when I saw these people all day every single day.

I've been thinking a lot about that word--friend--what it really is and how precious they are to a person's life.  And when I think about it, I think about a house.  So much effort goes into building a house, from the blueprint to the last detail.  The foundation must be laid, the house designed just right, and the location is key.  When you walk into an old house in particular, you can't help but take in the weight of it.  There is a fullness that is unlike any other.  So much work has gone into this house and through many years it has stood the test of time.  It has survived heavy thunderstorms and winters that you thought would never end.  This house protected you and kept you safe.  But...you've done your part too.  A lot of work has gone into this house to keep it in shape because you cannot help wear and tear.

True friendship is like this.  Time, effort, and love go into it.  It will never be perfect, and things will happen that make you worry it won't make it, but even after the harshest storm, there it stands.  Strong.  Solid.  Humbled by the storm

I think that we never stop learning.  And time and time again this is proven to me.  Just when I think I have it, whatever it really is, figured out something happens to make me come back to the beginning and evaluate again.  I appreciate this practice because I feel like it helps us strip away the excess and helps us get to the core.

The same goes for your family too.  They are your home.  As my parents always say--family is all you've got.  So go forth and build and remember that a solid house can weather any storm.

The Shoe That Fits

I spent Labor Day weekend in North Carolina celebrating my one year anniversary with Sam and my birthday.  The weekend was perfect.  Getting to spend time with Sam was incredible.  And seeing friends was such a treat.  It's my first time being out of the city since I moved here.  And since I've been back I have been going over each moment over and over in my head.  The people, the places, the smells, the sights.  Every activity.  Every moment.  The lifestyle of living in a city where the common denominator of transportation is a car in which you decide when you go and how you go about getting from point A to point B.  And when I go over all the things that most people pass by each day my heart overflows. 

Working in retail in New York City is the most soul sucking job on the planet.  It challenges my faith in humanity some days because I am just aghast at how one person can treat another.  And so I have vowed to be the most friendly; the one who is always smiling--trying to provide an example so that we start to treat each other with a bit more respect.  And I don't set an example in a rude way, or in one that I hope to be recognized.  Rather, I would just hope that my vow for blind kindness is infectious because we never know what the other person is really going through.  

These days I'm interested in finding which shoe fits--a harder task than I might have first thought.  I have always given my all and invested in the experiences around me.  And I continue to do that.  And although I appreciate all of the love and support from so many people around me near and far, I am learning that the only person I can listen to is myself because everyone is always going to have a different opinion.  And when I need help or input I will ask because sometimes two heads are better than one.  And on that note let me just say that I do hope you only keep the people around who want the best for you, even if selfishly it might not be the best for them.  

So here's to you and your closet of shoes.  Who knows which one will be the perfect fit...but if you never try it on how will you ever know?

A Bittersweet Life

I've been thinking a lot lately about the idea of bittersweet.  As you all know, Shauna Niequist just released her book, Bittersweet.  Excellent is an understatement.  But the book has really taken my world and flipped it a little.  This passage from her books sums up why:

"The idea of bittersweet is changing the way I live, unraveling and re-weaving the way I understand life.  Bittersweet is the idea that in all things there is both something broken and something beautiful, that there is a sliver of lightness on even the darkest of nights, a shadow of hope in every heartbreak, and that rejoicing is no less rich when it contains a splinter of sadness.

Bittersweet is the practice of believing that we really do need both the bitter and the sweet, and that a life of nothing but sweetness rots your teeth and your soul.  Bitter is what makes us strong, what forces us to push through, what helps us earn the lines on our faces and the calluses on our hands.  Sweet is nice enough, but bittersweet is beautiful, nuanced, full of depth and complexity.  Bittersweet is courageous, gutsy, earthy."

As I have read, reread, and read again through this book I can't help but see how true these words are.  When I look at my life, the things that brought me the most happiness came out of bittersweet circumstances.  Because it was through growth that life came.  It was the practice of sucking it up and moving forward on rough days that I realized my strength.  Shauna is right, a life of sweetness rots your soul.  The bitter can be so hard and cut right through you on dark days, but if you can find it in yourself to move forward the satisfaction is priceless, and the reward that much sweeter.

I'm okay with still learning.  I'm okay with not knowing all the answers.  I feel like so many people just want to have it figured out.  I'm not there.  I'm not one of them.  I choose to take my life by each day.  Sucking every last bit of goodness that I can out of it.  On bad days when I'm making my list of 5 things that I'm thankful for I am able to sit back and remind myself that even on rough days good things happen.  But on those sweet days when I could make a list of 15 things that I'm thankful for, I sit back and smile with a heart so full.  And there's the payoff of a sweet full life.

Wherever you are in your life right now take a moment to appreciate that place.  Even if you think that where you are is dark and lonely.  I promise you, you're not alone.  Hang on.  Keep going.  You're one day closer to getting out of the cave you feel you're stuck in.  And if you're in a place right now where life is sweet take a moment to reflect and appreciate this exact moment.  Because there will come a day when hard stuff comes at you--it's life, but remember where you are now and how full that place can be.

"So this is the work I'm doing now, and the work I invite you into: when life is sweet, say thank you and celebrate.  And when life is bitter, say thank you and grow."