Checking-In

Friends,

I've taken some time off of my blog lately--it's been a season of growth and change and I've been trying to live through each moment.  To breathe and appreciate each day--a practice that I think I've forgotten since I moved to New York.  I'm hoping to blog soon--I've been writing over and over in my head piecing together things that I want to bring to the table for conversation.

That post is coming very soon, but in the interim I wanted to share something special that speaks to me.

I started watching "The Ellen Show" per the recommendation of my beloved Currie.  We were talking one day and he made a comment about how I'd love it and he was surprised that I didn't watch it regularly.  I've always been a fan of Ellen DeGeneres, but I've never really watched a talk show before.  Well, I've been watching this show, and Currie was right--this show brings me pure joy.  I love Ellen.  I love what she stands for and her kindness makes my heart so warm.  To see her give so much is incredible.  She lives each moment.  She's kind.  And she makes people laugh.

I recently finished Seriously...I'm Kidding, her newest book and it's incredible.  Honestly, if you're looking for something to read, add that to your list.  Push it to the top.  Stop what you're reading now and read her book instead.  It's that great.

I wanted to share an excerpt from her book--I've pieced it together, but it's all in the same chapter and it speaks to what I try to practice:

"Be happy.  Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system.  Do things that make you feel good and proud.  It can be almost anything.  Contribute to the world.  Help people.  Help one person.  Help someone cross the street today.  Help someone with directions.  Help someone who's trying to help you.  Just help.  Make an impact.  Show someone you care.  Say yes instead of no.  Say something nice.  Smile.  Make eye contact.  Hug.  Kiss.  Get naked.  Laugh.  Laugh as much as you can.  Laugh until you cry.  Cry until you laugh.  Emote.  It's okay.  It shows you are thinking and feeling.  Find out who you are and figure out what you believe in.  Even if it's different from what your neighbors believe in and different from what your parents believe in.  Stay true to yourself.  Have your own opinion.  Don't worry about what people say about you or think about you.  Let the naysayers nay.  They will eventually grow tired of naying.  I believe with all my heart and soul that even if we try the teeniest tiniest bit we can make this world a much happier and healthier one.  And if we try even harder, we can do some pretty spectacular things."

Pretty terrific, isn't it?

Wishing you the very best Thanksgiving.

This Summer Season

One Friday afternoon at the end of May I had coffee with one of my very best friends, Becca.  We sat in our neighborhood and chatted about the summer to come--she was in an exciting play, Sam was moving here, and life just felt right.  I looked her in the eye and toasted my iced coffee to summer and bliss and sunshine.

...and then the bottom fell out.

From the outside looking in, I've had quite a rocky summer.  I've done things wrong.  I've said the wrong things.  I've put my foot in my mouth and my tail between my legs.  Yes, in many ways, it feels as though the bottom dropped out from the outside.  Inside it felt that way too, for a moment.  But then, something else happened.

I took a step back and saw the bigger picture.

Here's the thing--I take blame for all the stuff I've messed up on over the last few months  (or bad judgement previously that somehow crept up all at one time).  It's been a humbling experience and a hard one.  But, somewhere underneath all of that, I am grateful for each mistake.

Grateful?  Yep.  Grateful.  Because although I've had some really bad days, I've learned some incredible lessons.  I've learned how to do things differently.  Somewhere within all of this I landed on solid ground.  I know so much of that has to do with Sam.  He's my sounding board, my partner, but also a great devil's advocate.  And you need that.  When you've messed up and you're trying to find reason and everything is a mess, it's pretty incredible to have someone there who won't let you get away with the things you need to take accountability for.  Sam's that.  He's also the first one on my side when I need a partner.  He's incredible and has championed me through this summer.

So, where to go from here?  Tomorrow is a new day.  So is the day after that.  And sometimes it's hard.  And while I am so hard on myself, I'm trying to give myself a break.  In every area, I've evaluated, apologized, and now all I can do is work in a better direction.

Sometimes I think it's harder to look at life that way.  It's easier to just wallow in self pity, but the champions pick themselves up and keep marching.  Moment after moment, day after day.  Breathe.  Deep breaths.

Getting through this summer has shown me that I am blessed.  Blessed by supportive souls, challenging minds, and listening ears.  I've messed up.  I feel like I've worn the scarlet letter.  Now I'm turning the page on a new day.  My birthday is coming up and I'm so excited for it--a fresh start a brand new year to make mine.  These days I'm focusing on the here and now--what I can control and what I can't.  I'm (working) to be okay with that.  Life isn't easy, but we should make every effort to make it the very best that we can.

On Summer and the Farmer's Market and Brooklyn

Greetings from my new place in Brooklyn!!  As I think all of you know, I moved just over a month ago.  

I wanted to give myself some time to settle in before I gushed about my new digs.  But, I've been here a month, and so I feel like I can officially download you on how much I love it here.  I'll start at the beginning--

I moved at the end of May.  It was a gorgeous day.  Not too hot, like I was dreading.  My movers (there were 3!) came at the very last minute.  And while I stressed that I wouldn't get out before the designated time (according to my former building), I tried to keep the mood light.  I couldn't make them move any faster--it was out of my control--so I kept the mood as light as possible and asked questions about where they were from, what they wanted out of New York, and cheered them on as they moved boxes out of my apartment and into the truck.  They said they would be fast, and they were--a half hour later they were headed out.  And so I said goodbye to Julie, which was just weird.  I was sad and the moment just kind of passed us by.  I walked away feeling weird and unsettled.  I couldn't fathom not coming home to her anymore.  For a few days after it felt like vacation and that I was returning shortly.  When my movers arrived in Brooklyn, they stacked my boxes in the corner of the living room, put my bed together, placed my furniture in the places I had requested, and left.  And it was silent.  Soon after my darling Super knocked on my door with a tool bag inquiring if I had an air conditioner that needed installation.  What a gem.  Yes, I did, and it was so appreciated.  The warm fuzzies on being in the right place overtook me and I felt calm.  After my Super, Alex, left I found myself ready to set up camp for the night.  I showered, opened my DVDs box, hooked up my television, and was asleep before I knew it.  I remember telling Sam that night that I was so excited for his arrival.  The week went quickly and Sam was here before I knew it.  When he arrived that Sunday morning, I hugged him and breathed a sigh of relief.  It was over.  Long distance was soon to become a memory, a thing we did for a year, and we were done!!  I was so happy to see him.  Sam and his dad drove through the night and were exhausted when they arrived.  But, like troopers, we all unloaded the car and stacked Sam's boxes next to mine in the living room.  That's a lot of boxes.  Sam's dad turned around almost immediately leaving us to our apartment.  Our apartment!!  We were giddy to get it set up and unpacked, which was a good thing because we had quite a lot to do.  As ambitious as we both are, I think it's safe to say we bit off more than we could chew, but powered through!  We painted our kitchen, living room, bathroom, and bedroom.  Yep.  In the heat and humidity we did it, and we didn't kill each other.  Miracles happen, y'all!  With a painted apartment, which did not happen overnight, we began unpacking.  We did the kitchen first.  And then the bathroom.  Followed by the living room.  And then finally the bedroom.  We ended on my closet--a project I was dreading (dreading is an understatement), but with Sam's ninja skills everything fit with room to spare.  I have no idea how, but it did.  And so--we've arrived.

Somewhere within all of that I directed a staged reading of AS I AM FULLY KNOWN, the play I worked on last summer, which was part of The New York Fringe Festival.  It was a great experience and I learned a lot about myself as a director as well as working with actors and the playwright.  I was so happy that I was able to re-visit the script because I think it's terrific and has an incredible message that reads to so many audiences and generations.  It felt good to be working on that script again.

The summer has been filled with a lot of wonderful things.  After the 3 weeks of rain and cold, it's been gorgeous here.  Warm days filled with sunshine and blue skies, which never cease to amaze me and make me feel incredibly grateful.  Sam and I spend our time seeing friends, perusing farmer's markets, and cooking.  The farmer's markets in this city amaze me, and I just can't get enough of them.  I love supporting local business and there is nothing sweeter than a home grown strawberry.  Beyond that, our lives are pretty boring, which is wonderful.  I've been busy with work, Project Rushmore, and working with a friend to plan a show; Sam got a job quickly (not surprising) and has been in rehearsals for Triad Stage's THE SUNSET LIMITED, which will be performed in Boone this weekend.  And, other than that, Sam and I just spend time together.  We're still exploring our neighborhood and enjoying being able to come home to each other each day.  I learned a lot about myself doing long distance.  I learned a lot about Sam too.  It's hard, but if you love someone, completely worth it.  I am really proud of us, and when people ask, I don't hesitate to tell them what we struggled with and insight on how we stayed connected and made sure we saw each other as often as possible.  As Sam would say, it could always be worse.  And so, in coming out of that year, I am so grateful to come home to him.

I'm excited for what's to come--for more summer nights, more farmer's markets, and the presence of great company.

I hope you're having the most lovely summer.  There is so much simplicity to be discovered--go out and live it before it passes you by.

To My Dad on Father's Day

So much has happened in the month since I posted!  And I want to tell you guys about it, but this post is dedicated to my dad.  I will however tell you that Sam has officially moved to New York and we are LOVING Brooklyn!!!

My dad has always been a force--a powerful person who is passionate and strong minded.  So, when people meet my father, they are not surprised that I am the way I am.  As the saying goes, the apple does not fall far from the tree.  But, the thing is, most people usually write my dad off without really getting to know him.  On the surface he is a loud, opinionated, intimidating guy.  A crowd pleaser (or dis-pleaser, depending on the crowd).  A radio personality.  But, if people take the time, they see so much more than that.  He's a teddy bear and loves dogs and cigars more than most things.  My dad has always been an example that it's never too late to chase your dream.  And, that if you keep pounding the pavement, eventually something will stick.  I learned from my father early on that if you want something and you pursue it, eventually you will get it.  My father's passion was contagious to me as a child.  Watching someone who is driven like he is, rubbed off on me.  I know that I am the way I am because of him.  

So, dad, here's to you today.  Thank you for instilling courage, passion, and drive within me.  Without it, I wouldn't have done half of the things I have done in my life.  You have been a guiding light when dealing with victories, but also during times when I have struck out.  Your best lessons have been when I've just missed it, and mourn the loss.  Although those are the hardest times, those are the ones that solidify our passion and drive us to be better.  These are the best lessons.  Thank you for a wonderful childhood filled of love in every different way and unending encouragement.  Thank you for the sacrifices you have made.  You are my biggest cheerleader, my best example and I am so proud of you.  You have taught me to never give up, and that it is never too late to chase my dreams.  Today I acknowledge your gifts, but they are appreciated everyday, and I wouldn't be who I am without you.  Here's to you, Papas Fritas, Happy Father's Day, I love you!

To My Mom For Mother's Day

My mom just came to visit me in NYC.  She saw the apartment I've been living in for the last year and got a chance to see the apartment I'll be moving into in a few weeks.  It was such a special trip.  So, in the spirit of my rockstar mom and the fact that Mother's Day is quickly approaching, I thought it fitting to do some bragging.  My dad says he never brags on his kids.  He lies.  He does, but I like to think he does it in a classy way.  We all love to gush about people we're excited about--we want to share them with the world.  The trick is to find the line of annoyance. Bragging is funny--if done in a classy way it's wonderful--special, exciting--you want to share and spread joy.  But, people easily take it too far and that's where bragging gets its bad reputation.

I think that Mother's Day is often overlooked and that, unfortunately, we don't take the time to tell our mothers thank you for all that they have done for us.

So, to my mom, thank you.  Thank you for the sacrifices you've made for me.  Thank you for the support and unconditional love.  Thank you for putting me first.  You have been such an incredible example to me and I strive to be like you everyday.  You're my role model and best friend and I admire you more than any other woman I know.  Thank you for your hard work, compassion, and strength.  Thank you for never saying "no" and always being up to the task--whether that be finding milky pens (and purchasing a Sam's Club membership) or a 3 hour visit to Ikea on a Saturday night.  I am so proud of all you have accomplished and I think you are superwoman.  On Mother's Day I will celebrate you, but I hope you know that you are celebrated everyday.  I will never be able to express how much I love you.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom.  I love you!

Spring Fever in NYC

Spring is/almost/has/will spring/sprung.  It's taking its time, but we're all more than ready for it.  We have some great days--sunshine and 60 degrees days, and then we have some not-so-good days--40 degrees and looking like it's about to rain.  Lately, it's been that way--cold; wet; awful.  But, what keeps all of us going is the fact that we've all gotten a little taste of what's next.  Personally, I am so excited.  I haven't wanted spring this bad in a very long time.  And, coming from North Carolina, this shouldn't be a surprise.  I'm craving sunshine and dresses and sitting outside.  It will be here so soon!  

With spring in the air, I am coming upon a whole year of living in New York City!  Whew, time flies.  But it's been an incredible year.  I went after stuff, jumped in, and (for the most part) didn't hold back.  I say for the most part, because I did hold back at first.  I was scared and confused. But I trusted my gut.  

I've always trusted my gut.  

I feel like life has funny way of giving you what you need right when you need it.  You may not always realize it at the moment, but upon reflection things are always clearer.  It's when things are fuzzy and my brain is spinning out of control that I find myself stopping to listen to my gut.  It's what lead me here.  I feel like I have a lot to say about my first year in New York City, but I don't know if I'm ready to say it yet.  And, technically, it hasn't been a year.  I will say that I am proud of myself.  And incredibly grateful for a wonderful boyfriend, my family of cheerleaders who always made me feel like I was in the right place, and the most supportive friends I could have ever wished for.   

I have a lot of lovely things coming up that I am so excited about and want to share--

Sam and I are moving in together!!  Oh me oh my I am so delighted I could just jump up and dance telling you about it!  We'll be living in the most lovely apartment and I don't think we could be more excited.  Our neighborhood is lined with trees and has the cutest shops--here's to small business!!  We're moving into a one bedroom and it's wonderful!  After we've moved in I will post pictures for y'all to see.  With Sam and I moving in, that does mean I'll be saying goodbye to the UWS and my roommate, Julie, which I am really sad about.  Julie and I made this move together and she has been the best roommate.  I am so sad to leave her and will so miss our "stuff"--you know, the stuff you and your roommate do?  For Julie and myself it's long late night chats, "Nurse Jackie", and girly stuff.  

My mom is coming next weekend and I am so excited!  She's the reason that I haven't started packing my current apartment (Mom, I want you to see!).  I have no idea what we'll do, but we'll find something--we're good at that.  I'm excited to take my mom around the city and show her what I've been calling home for the last 11 months.  

The beginning of May is exciting as well--Sam is graduating and UNCG is coming to New York City for their annual Industry Showcase.  I love UNCG more than what's normal, but I just had so much fun while I was there that I can't help but be its biggest cheerleader.  I'm so excited to see faculty and cheer on the Class of 2011.  It's a great group of people and I am so proud to be an alum. 

In June I'm directing a staged reading and I couldn't be more excited.  I have already started work on the script and am thrilled that I'm being trusted to take this on!  I'm excited to create and explore and play.  

Looking ahead to what spring and summer hold I feel nothing less than blessed.  The opportunity to spend time with people and projects that are so very special to me.  I am excited to celebrate and rejoice at life and love and bliss in all its forms.  I encourage you to look into your soul and listen to what you need.  For me the other day, it was a long walk and I came out of it feeling like a new person.  We need to listen to our guts, to what makes us happy and pursue it.  Love and creativity feed my soul and that's what I will continue to pursue.  I hope you find what makes you happiest and go after it with your everything.  If you hesitate, it might just pass you by.