Finding My Bliss

I've been thinking about bliss for a long while now.  What it is, how it lives in us, and what is drives us to do.  


When I graduated in May, John Gulley, our faculty speaker, spoke a lot about following our bliss.  As theatre majors, our bliss lead us to that moment.  Theatre--art--brought us together.  And that moment, together, was really special.  


Since then, I've been thinking a lot about my bliss.  And here's what I've come to find--


My bliss lives in a lot of different places.  


It lives in art--expression--creativity.  But it also lives in my current job--loving where  I am and working towards more.  It lives in Sam.  It lives in marriage and family.  It lives in traveling.  It lives in job security, a home to call my own, and putting food on the table.  


And that's only the beginning.  


I think sometimes we get scared.  I know I do.  I'm a planner, and so when my heart starts to pull in a direction that I wasn't planning, I get scared.  This last year has been a test in that.  But, what I've learned is that I don't have to give up one thing to welcome another.  


Balance.


I think that we have to listen to what we want, which sounds easy, but the practice of it is sometimes difficult.  We want to make ourselves happy, but not disappoint the people around us.  Here's the truth: true family/friends/allies/mentors will support you no matter what.  Sometimes we have to run hard in the wrong direction to get back on the right path.  


I think we are spending too much time worrying about what's to come instead of living in the now.  After all, we can't control our destiny.  To be selfish and talk about myself--I'm working on co-producing a show right now.  It's a crazy awesome experience, but sometimes I let it overrun me.  The big picture (which is supremely exciting) starts to block what is needed in the now.  Small steps lead to creation.  When I feel overwhelmed I find myself fearful that the challenge is too great--but then I am reminded of small steps.   


I don't think we will ever really find our bliss, and I think that makes us really lucky.  Things change and shit happens--it knocks around what we want and what we need.  All we can do is hold on and trust in our gut.  


So here's to you and your bliss--listen hard--what do you really want? 

‎"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."

-Oscar Wilde

Dancing on the Subway

Lately, I've had this urge to dance on the subway.  It comes out of nowhere, really.  A good song comes on and I start tapping my toes.  The beat works it way up my legs into the middle of my body and all of a sudden I am bopping along fighting this urge to dance and sing at the top of my lungs.  Where is this coming from?  I have no idea.  I think it's partly from the absence of a car--the freedom of loud music, open windows, and the feeling that I could drive anywhere.  Ah, that feeling.  I miss it.  There's something about a car that I just adore.  It's weird, isn't it?  When I step back to think about it, it seems weird to me, but I just crave that freedom.  Someday.  One day.  Soon?  Possibly.  But then again, anything is possible.

Today is Valentine's Day, and I'm going to be completely honest, I love this holiday.  People think it's such a scam and a way to single the singles out.  I'm telling you, you're wrong.  I think this holiday is about true love.  Whether that be with a partner,  friend, family, your dog--just celebrate the love in your life--that deep love that is sometimes hard, but so rich in its gifts.  Sam sent me roses today.  Beautiful is an understatement.  Flowers are so the way to my heart.  And honestly, it's not even the flowers, but the thought that goes into them.  Getting flowers when I'm at work reminds me how loved I am.   And when I look at them sitting on my desk I beam.  Literally.  I think the warmth from my face and heart make the room warmer.

Spring is coming.  I could feel it today. 50 degrees and it wasn't even fully dark when I walked out of the office.  It whipped through the city today and I could just feel it in my bones.  I am ready. I love the springtime.  Although autumn will always be my favorite (there's just something about it), spring is a close second.  Spring also means that I am coming up to a year of living here.  Yes, I've still got about 3 months, but oh em gee, it's almost here.  Crazy.  Time flies.  And I am a much different person than I was just 9 short months ago.  Lots of growing.  Lot of beautiful pain--necessary steps to get to where I am.  Crazy how you don't know what you're really going through till you're through it.  Does that even make sense?

The last few weeks I've been on overload.  Going really hard and really fast for a really long time.  I thrive in those situations, but I also realized this time how much I miss when I am living in that lifestyle.  I'm not as present and I don't like it.  I'm working to commit to less things so that I give myself completely when I'm with friends I care about.  It sounds selfish, I realize, but I think it's also fair.  Do you overcommit?  I do.  All the time.  And at the end of the day, it's just not fair.  I think our time is so much better spent when we are fully present and listen to what we need.  It's important to invest yourself in people who will nurture your soul--and also call you out on your bullshit.

Working with Project Rushmore has been lovely lately.  It's been on my mind a lot--I am hoping for such good things to come out of this group.  Everyone is so talented and committed, especially as of late.  Our January readings were nothing less than inspiring--to see so many faces supporting the arts.  It was nothing short of moving.  I'm also working to get a show together with some UNCG alums.  I'm really hoping we can iron out all of the details.  If you have any advice on anything theatre related in NYC I am all ears.  Any tricks are much appreciated.  In fact, if you have any advice about anything I'm all ears.  I am so far from perfect, and I love input from those who are more experienced.  As I get older I become less of a know-it-all and more of a tell-me-your-every-piece-of-advice kind of gal.

Some fineal thoughts--good theatre is worthwhile--expression is worthwhile, you are the company you keep, practice sincerity, realize your worth, and finally, put good out into this world, I know I preach it, but it's true--it is the best thing you can do for yourself.  We need to take care of each other--everyone is fighting a harder battle.

Here's to you and your valentine, whoever they may be--it may even be yourself.  If that's the case, fabulous!  You better treat yourself real nice!  And finally, wherever you are, I encourage you tomorrow on your way to work/school/the grocery you turn on your most favorite song and dance you tush off.

The Pressure is Off..or is it On?

Okay okay okay OKAY!  New blog post.  Here it is!  Fresh and clean in 2011.  Although, I would be lying if I said I didn't feel a wee bit-o-pressure to crank out a "good one" here.  I figure I'll just do what I always do and spit out all of the things that have been swirling on my mind and then you can tell me what you think about them.  Sound good?

Since I blogged last I've done a ton of traveling.  I was home for Thanksgiving, which was lovely.  A quick five days, but I really enjoyed being at home with my family and my dogs.  I literally sat around with them in different areas of my house for five days.  We just soaked each other up and it was lovely.  I came back to NYC and worked for another few weeks and then headed to NC to see Sam.  We celebrated our Christmas together and somewhere between Chicago, New York, and North Carolina my credit card number got stolen.  Again.  So there I was in North Carolina feeling semi-stranded.  I can't really complain though.  At the time when I found out I was with one of my favorite UNCG Professor's--Flan!  One of my favorite things about visiting NC is checking in with him.  I was also able to spend time with Jim, another favorite.  Both great people, and I really enjoy seeing them.  So then after a great few days in NC I headed back to NYC worked and basically unpacked, repacked and headed home to Chicago for Christmas.  I enjoyed driving my Vibe--y'all know how I love to drive!  I also got a new laptop for Christmas!  I cried of course.  And my parent's created a little scavenger hunt for me to track it down.  Needless to say I am in love with this thing and every time I open it, it's like receiving a gift again (thanks Mom and Dad!).   The holiday season was fantastic.  The snowstorm that shut down the Northeastern part of the country was not!  To make a long story short I ended up driving back to NYC.  When people asked how I got back and I told them I ended up driving they thought I was crazy.  I'll admit that it was a bit of a snap decision, but I had to get back!  What other choice did I have?

As I bopped around from Chicago, New York, and North Carolina I couldn't help but think about "home" and how I have multiple.  All three of these places hold very special in my heart.  Each of them possess meaningful people, places, and things.  Barrington, Illinois will always be my home.  It is a very special place to me.  And I love my physical home there.  It is warm and vibrant and a safe haven for me.  North Carolina also feel like home in many ways.  And, slowly but surely, New York is starting to become a home as well.  When we dig in and plant ourselves, we open ourselves up to take places in--to create a home.  If we never dig, we will always feel like strangers.  Do you agree?  Just a thought.  

Last Saturday I met Ingrid Michaelson while I was working at SLT.  I continue to work there a few days a month, and when I was working on Saturday another associate was asking me a question and as I turned around to answer there was INGRID.  Needless to say, I completely fanned out.  I went nuts.  I love love LOVE her music and I just was so excited.  I'm sure she was flattered, but I just couldn't help myself.  I've been fortunate to see quite a few celebrities since moving here, but have had ample time to "prepare" myself.  And truthfully, it's not even that, but moreso the fact that I really connect with her as an artist and her music has really inspired me.  In fact, as I type up this blog she is playing on my computer!  (Having laptop speakers is AMAZING).  She was so nice and I so appreciated her kindness.  It was so cool, and I floated for the rest of the day.

Can I brag on a friend for a minute?  I just want go give a great big HOLLA about my friend Currie!  Y'all know Currie, but do you know he's coming to NEW YORK to audition for "GLEE"--HOLLA HOLLA HOLLA!!!!!!  Currie called me on Tuesday and told me all about how he got a call seeing if he was interested in AUDITIONING for "GLEE"--do y'all get what I am saying?!?!?!!??!?  Well, I burst with tears of joy right there in my office.  Told everyone and have been beaming ever since.  So, in February, Currie is comin' back to NYC to do it up BIG!  Send nothing but goodness his way.  I can't think of anyone I know who deserves it more.

I want to leave you with this excerpt that I read in Real Simple Magazine.  I loved it and wanted to share it with you: "Happiness comes in small moments while you're pursuing the big stuff.  After a while, the small moments become the point.  This is especially true in tough times.  When the world seems to be falling apart, you still have your little touchstones of joy."--Marcia Menter The History of Happiness

It's true, right?  And if we always pursue happy moments then the good stuff will happen.  That is the secret--put out what you want and it will come back to you.  I know that it's said that January and February are the roughest months because we are in the dead of winter, but I challenge you to put out good things and allow for good things to happen to you.

Hello!

Friends!  I have taken a break from my blog for a few months (December was CRAZY).  I promise to post a blog soon, but wanted to share this that I came across.  I hope this finds you well!

The Curly Girl In Me

Friends,

I want you to check it this amazing website: www.curlygirldesign.com.  She makes fabulous art:

These are some of my favorites.  I have purchased a lot of her cards and put them up in my room in my apt--I plan to use these to put up at my desk too.  I love them!  And each of these peer a little bit more into how I'm feeling right now.  The website has a ton of stuff and makes a great Christmas gift--there are so many different quotes to choose from!

Chicago in 3 days and NC in a little over two weeks!  Time is FLYING.  I feel like it was my birthday just yesterday.  It's great though--I'm ready to be in the same state as Sam again!

Here's to short work weeks and spending the holidays with people we care about.  And if we can't be with them, make sure we still keep them in our hearts.  (Can you tell I'm really sad about not spending Thanksgiving with Sam??  It really hit me hard today).

Be well. xo

On Growing Up

Last weekend I traveled down to the sweet south to see ALICE, an updated version on the beloved story.  It was a super cool show and a huge technical challenge. Sam stage managed and I was thrilled to be able to see the production.  He did a fantastic job and I was so proud of him!  A lot of things came out of this visit for me.  It was great to see people and reconnect with them.  For many of us at UNCG, our next step is very often New York City.  And so I was more than happy to tell everyone everything that I thought about it—good and bad.  I was honest about my feelings and humble about my experiences.  I in no way made it seem any more glamorous than it actually is.  I admitted to the fact that yes, it can be lonely.  Yes, the subway is crap.  Yes, everything is super expensive.  I told them about my moving experience—what I think I did right and wrong.  I also told them about the good stuff.  About how much theatre is right at your fingertips.  How sometimes you can be so inspired by your surroundings that you’re almost overwhelmed, and how your luck can absolutely change in a New York minute.  I was flattered to hear “You look great!” from people who I wasn’t particularly close with while in school.  I am in no way saying this to toot my own horn, but it got me to thinking.  You look great.  Three words-a whole lot of meaning.  Since I’ve been back I’ve been thinking about that, about what I’ve been doing to “look great”—and it was an interesting discovery.

In thinking about it I realized how great I feel about having this job.  The fact that I am needed to get things done.  Important things.  I am in no way saying that I am the end all be all, but it is nice to have deadlines and things that need to be done.  It makes you feel like your work counts.  And here, I know that it does.  This company is such a good fit for me, and I’m learning a lot about it.  Not only as an employee of it, but the benefits of treating your employees well, and how you get out what you put in.  Another thing that I’ve been doing lately is getting about 8 hours of sleep a night.  Amazing what it’s done for me.  It’s not that I didn’t want to get that kind of sleep when I was in undergrad, but I was always doing something.  And I couldn’t say no.  Honestly, it’s not that I couldn’t say no, it’s that I didn’t want to.  What can I say?  I love UNCG.  Now I find myself getting home around 6:30 and honestly being ready to go to bed at 11:30-12:00…and I’m more than cool with that.  Sleep has done wonders for my world.  Another thing that I’ve been focusing on is making better food choices.  While this is something I struggled with in the past, I feel like this is something else that I want for myself.  I want to take care of myself and put things in my body that fuel me for the rest of the day.  If I’m being honest with myself about how I struggled I know why—it’s because I never made time for it and always pushed it to the side.  Well, now that I have more of a regulated schedule I’m making it a priority to make time for it. 

All of these things have helped me “feel great”—because I do.  I feel like I’ve been beaming lately.  And because of that I just feel better about the world around me.  Being able to buy a plane ticket to see Sam as well as the rest of the UNCG family was the ultimate reward.  One of the things that I love the most about seeing Sam is that he and I don’t even skip a beat.  It takes us no time to get “back into the swing.”  I feel so connected with him that we don’t even need that time, which is a blessing.

It’s crazy, but somewhere in the last 6 months I grew up.  That’s not to say that I wasn’t an adult before, but now more than ever I feel like a grownup.  And (to sound like I’m 12), it’s so cool!  And I love it. 

I’m excited for what the next few weeks bring: Thanksgiving with my family-my core of people who adore me no matter how crazy I get (right, Dad?).  I’ll spend the weekend shopping with my sweet mother and hanging out with my dad.  Harrison (my brother) will grill me about everything—mostly Sam, my job, and living in New York.  He hates to admit it, but he loves me more than he will ever let on.  And I’ll get to see my dogs!-my 3 favorite canines on the planet.  And we’ll spend Thanksgiving with our extended family…hoping to avoid politics (a favorite topic of conversation for the adults…well the old adults…HA!).  And then I’ll head down to NC for a weekend to celebrate Christmas with Sam and then a few weeks later I’ll head back to Chicago and spend the actual Christmas with my family, and then Sam will come to NYC for the New Year and whoosh, we’re into January!  I would be lying if I said I wasn’t bummed that Sam and I won’t be together for the holidays, but we’re doing our best to make up for it.  Right now, we’re doing the best we can with what we’ve got—maybe next year we can work something out, but it’s hard when you have family in Chicago and North Carolina. 

This post has been so self indulgent and I apologize.  I guess the bottom line is that I feel good about where I am and it’s a lesson that I continue to learn.  It is important that we check in with ourselves and how we’re feeling.  I feel like my generation is terrible at doing that.  We’re always competing against each other and jumping into a million different things to better our future.  What we must do is stop.  Listen.  And participate in things that we can benefit from.  Isn’t the goal to get something out of what you’re doing?  So why not invest yourself in a few things that really matter instead of sign your name onto a million things where you can’t be fully present.  What I’m learning is that I am a better version of myself when I take care of myself.  Duh, right?  So why don’t more of us do it?  I’m a better friend, girlfriend, daughter, employee, and volunteer when I take care of myself.  I’m living proof of it.  And, while I’m here, something else I’ve learned through trial and error is that you can’t change everything you’re doing at once or none of it will stick--which in many ways I’m still learning.  So, as I continue to change my lifestyle to a healthier one mentally and physically, I do hope that you will join me.  Don’t focus on the reward of it all (albeit awesome), but moreover focus on where you are and celebrate in that.  We will never be perfect (something I’m still trying to learn) and we can only give our best.  I know I’ve said this, but be kind to people.  Love the people you surround yourself with (and if you don’t love them, consider separating yourself from them).  Take a moment on Thanksgiving to count your blessings, and be thankful!—your future awaits you and you control your destiny.  Trust in what you’re doing now will continue to drive yourself to where you want to be.  And know that in the end, everything happens for a reason.